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How My Heamorrhage Healed Me.

(Potentially triggering & extremely vulnerable share)

I’ve been pondering whether I should share this or not, but as always I trust the medicine of my vulnerability & the workings of my heart & mind.

Those of you who have been following me for a while will know by now THIS IS HOW I DO!!

Firstly, if you don't know already - I gave birth 6 weeks ago (my birth story is available to read on my Instagram page @ookushana_school_of_healing) & you may have guessed it, I haemorrhaged - shortly after the most incredible home pool birth.

And although it wasn't the most fun way to start my journey of motherhood, I absolutely believe I was supposed to haemorrhage post-birth.

Firstly because... I did!

As difficult as it is to stomach sometimes, I believe everything happens as it is meant.

And that is not to bypass the severity of experienced trauma & what can feel deeply unfair - but because beyond all logic & reason, there is something much greater at play. Something we will likely never comprehend in this lifetime (but this is for another blog piece entirely!)

& Secondly, I wholly believe my body is always working FOR my greater good.

There are, of course, moments when this belief feels extremely testing, and even infuriating to fathom.

But my healing journey, my experiences (& my training within holistic medicine) have guided me to understand how the body works, beyond the biological mechanics, and far from the theory of randomness.

Despite my very natural moments of fear, I trust that every bodily function or dysfunction, response or reaction, serves a purpose - from the natural autonomic functions like breathing to the seemingly negative reactions like pain & dis-ease, and everything in between - as a natural function, a healing response and/or a call for our attention.

Beyond functionality, is the metaphysical & energetic - because, may we always remember, our physical body is just 1 part of our whole-istic self, and intrinsically connected to our energy, our soul, and our mind.

So, BIG SHARE - I have been consciously & actively healing my womb for the past 6 years (WAY before I was calling in my baby), and while I was focused primarily on processing the emotional & physical trauma I have experienced in this lifetime - there was also some connected physical symptoms I wanted to heal.

Among many others, including an irregular cycle & right ovary pain, one of these symptoms was that I had not experienced what I would call, “a proper monthly bleed” for 15+ years.

Yep. 15 YEARS!

I felt shame for what I once saw as “a pathetic excuse for my womanly bleed” (especially as a practitioner of womb healing!) and yet, once upon a time, I felt deep shame for the endlessly flowing blood I experienced as an early teen ~ to the point I wished it away… (& on some level that wish became my reality).

My physical “goal” for healing & preparing my womb for conception was “fresh red flowing blood” for multiple days - instead of the minimal stagnant & dark blood that came & went in the blink of an eye.

I followed many a protocol to work towards this goal, and sat in ceremony often.

I tried ALL the things.

I increased my food intake to ensure it wasn’t weight-related, I shifted my diet and exercise regime to a more feminine & intuitive approach.

I worked with herbs, acupuncture & homeopathy… the list goes on.

And while all these things were most definitely supportive to my overall holistic health & wellbeing, I never actually reached that goal of “fresh red flowing blood” before conceiving my daughter.

As the months & years rolled by, it felt a little frustrating with all the work I’d been doing, and yet I also felt in trust with my body's process.

But, in my rawest of truths, beneath it all, on some level I believed my womb was “too full of darkness” to fall pregnant.

I share this with deep self-compassion for these very natural thoughts as someone who experienced sexual abuse & then continued to abuse herself & on some level welcome abuse from others.

Because that is what she/I had known.

In the moments I was out of trust, I saw my womb as a “write-off.”

I struggled to fully trust I could ever repair something I believed to be so broken.

Even when an ayahuascero shaman told me (on my final medicine journey before conceiving) that my womb was “pink, perfect & ready” I didn’t fully believe her - despite having met the spirit of my baby within the journey!

I caught myself resisting the healing!

So, even after a trilogy of ayahuasca ceremonies within 9 months, my cycle was not flowing!

But just a few months later, I conceived.

As happy as I was, I also doubted my healing, and feared that I might miscarry again, or that my baby might take on what I had not healed - an intense one to sit with, but as a practitioner of ancestral healing naturally I have gone deep with this!

Fast forward to an hour after my beautiful water birth, with little to no blood… I said to the midwife, “why is there no blood?!” She responded, “let’s keep it that way!” (Knowing the risk with my placenta)

Then I stood up, & whooooosh!

I “haemorrhaged”.

And do you know what?! It felt like those 15 years of bleeding all came at once!

A great “purge” - which is what our monthly bleed is - an opportunity to clear & renew.

I think this is why I didn’t feel fear in those early moments, I thought to myself,

“oh yay! I CAN bleed”

Ever since birthing (and this purge!) I have felt so much more flow within my body - it felt like a huge rebirth for me, and far beyond "becoming a mother", it is freedom from pain and darkness.

And although I am still amidst the healing process emotionally and physically, I feel powerful and more connected to myself and my soul than I have in a long time, if not, ever!

So I could look back at this experience as awful, or I could see this “imperfect” placenta actually supported/forced my womb to finally let go.

& that IT DID! 🩸

Again, I do not intend to bypass the trauma of my or any experience with my frame of understanding - but rather find the light & gold within the darkness of life, & honour the faith in my heart.

This might feel far-fetched for some, but it feels wholly true to me.

And it makes absolute sense to my understanding of the womb & body as healer.

So, a big ol’ THANK YOU to my thin-crust pizza pancake placenta!

A magical self-created organ that came with a temporary but mighty mission!

I am utterly grateful for you! (even though you are still sat in my freezer as I’m not ready to look at you yet… !)

With all my love, Felicity

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