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Pregnancy, Body Dysmorphia & Acceptance - Felicity Weston

* Trigger Warning *

Pregnancy has shown me the truth of my body dysmorphia & given me full frontal access to the deep-rooted wounds that still play out in my subconscious, and my life.

When I did this photo shoot in Ibiza last Summer, I was deeply critical about the majority of the pictures taken.

I now look and see a f*cking GODDESS, and cannot believe I ever thought otherwise.

I am writing this carrying an extra 2 stone (at a guess - I don’t ever weigh myself) & multiple extra chins, that I play with in the mirror, every day!!

(and please don’t worry - I know, deep down I AM STILL A MOTHER LOVIN’ GODDESS!)

& yes, these changes are all for the best reason ever!

I am about to birth my baby girl, and my body is serving me perfectly with what I (& she) need - both now & post-partum.

But in the name of raw honesty, for me, it’s been a lot to be with & process.

The honest conversations I’ve had with others have supported me to know I’m not alone. So, as always, I share the intricate workings of my heart & mind, to support you to feel safer with & in your own.

I’ve struggled with symptoms that have prevented me moving freely, and therefore I’ve not been able to stay as fit as I would’ve liked to during pregnancy.

But I know, deep down, beyond all logic - this is my body serving me with the exact medicine I need.

I have been berating myself for wanting pregnancy to be over.

Yes, because the other side of this portal awaits my baby girl/new bestie…. but also because I feel so uncomfortable in my skin.

And honestly, I’ve felt so much anger & resentment rising because of it.

I have felt frustrated & triggered seeing Joe (my husband) go out for runs & working out.

I’ve sat in shame around this, because I am so blessed to be on this journey, so I’ve had moments when I feel I don’t deserve this gift.

(Of course, my higher self slaps me round the chops when this rises!)

OOF! It has been a massive test.

Have I passed it? I’m not sure!

But I’m in it & I’m excavating DEEP.

Of course I know this is all transient, and in a few months, I’ll probably look back at pictures & see a glowing goddess & I’ll probably miss being pregnant?!

(ahhh, what it is to be human!)

I will also probably laugh at myself for these posts when I can move freely again & serve myself the medicine of movement.

Because I know logically, that this journey is temporary, and so I question, why can’t I just be with what is?!

The thing is, I am.

I am ebbing & flowing with it every day.

I remind myself everything I’m feeling is valid & natural, and I do not need to suppress any of it.

I am really f*cking proud to say I have worked through disordered eating habits & what was essentially self-harm, and I have not restricted my food intake nor taken purgatives for nearly 7 years - and I celebrate this no matter what arises!

But I can confirm, I am still working tirelessly with the wounds that caused it & all that comes with those.

I could write you a list of all the things that led to the extremities of my own self-loathe, but I’m choosing not to sit in the realms of victimhood or blame.

I’m just compassionately holding the parts of me that feel "not enough".

What I have realised over this past 9 months is that I will likely always struggle with self-image.

And I’ve decided that is ok.

So rather than condemn myself for caring “too” much, or suppress my true feelings - I move forward with compassion & care for the parts of me that don’t wholly love myself, and maybe never will.

Instead, I choose to love those parts, because I know THIS is what gets me a lot closer to true self-love!

These parts of me aren’t shallow or shadowy.

They are wounded & real.

I am ok with caring about weight & ageing.

I choose not to feel guilt & shame for caring.

It doesn’t make me any less spiritual or healed.

It doesn’t mean I’ve succumbed to patriarchy.

It simply makes me human.

And I am on a mission of acceptance for my humanness.

The further along this path I go, the more welcoming I am of my true heart, voice & expression.

I lead from where I am & not where I want to be.

*this piece is largely catharsis, but I hope it meets those who will benefit from my vulnerable truth*

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