* Trigger Warning *
Pregnancy has shown me the truth of my body dysmorphia & given me full frontal access to the deep-rooted wounds that still play out in my subconscious, and my life.
When I did this photo shoot in Ibiza last Summer, I was deeply critical about the majority of the pictures taken.
I now look and see a f*cking GODDESS, and cannot believe I ever thought otherwise.
I am writing this carrying an extra 2 stone (at a guess - I don’t ever weigh myself) & multiple extra chins, that I play with in the mirror, every day!!
(and please don’t worry - I know, deep down I AM STILL A MOTHER LOVIN’ GODDESS!)
& yes, these changes are all for the best reason ever!
I am about to birth my baby girl, and my body is serving me perfectly with what I (& she) need - both now & post-partum.
But in the name of raw honesty, for me, it’s been a lot to be with & process.
The honest conversations I’ve had with others have supported me to know I’m not alone. So, as always, I share the intricate workings of my heart & mind, to support you to feel safer with & in your own.
I’ve struggled with symptoms that have prevented me moving freely, and therefore I’ve not been able to stay as fit as I would’ve liked to during pregnancy.
But I know, deep down, beyond all logic - this is my body serving me with the exact medicine I need.
I have been berating myself for wanting pregnancy to be over.
Yes, because the other side of this portal awaits my baby girl/new bestie…. but also because I feel so uncomfortable in my skin.
And honestly, I’ve felt so much anger & resentment rising because of it.
I have felt frustrated & triggered seeing Joe (my husband) go out for runs & working out.
I’ve sat in shame around this, because I am so blessed to be on this journey, so I’ve had moments when I feel I don’t deserve this gift.
(Of course, my higher self slaps me round the chops when this rises!)
OOF! It has been a massive test.
Have I passed it? I’m not sure!
But I’m in it & I’m excavating DEEP.
Of course I know this is all transient, and in a few months, I’ll probably look back at pictures & see a glowing goddess & I’ll probably miss being pregnant?!
(ahhh, what it is to be human!)
I will also probably laugh at myself for these posts when I can move freely again & serve myself the medicine of movement.
Because I know logically, that this journey is temporary, and so I question, why can’t I just be with what is?!
The thing is, I am.
I am ebbing & flowing with it every day.
I remind myself everything I’m feeling is valid & natural, and I do not need to suppress any of it.
I am really f*cking proud to say I have worked through disordered eating habits & what was essentially self-harm, and I have not restricted my food intake nor taken purgatives for nearly 7 years - and I celebrate this no matter what arises!
But I can confirm, I am still working tirelessly with the wounds that caused it & all that comes with those.
I could write you a list of all the things that led to the extremities of my own self-loathe, but I’m choosing not to sit in the realms of victimhood or blame.
I’m just compassionately holding the parts of me that feel "not enough".
What I have realised over this past 9 months is that I will likely always struggle with self-image.
And I’ve decided that is ok.
So rather than condemn myself for caring “too” much, or suppress my true feelings - I move forward with compassion & care for the parts of me that don’t wholly love myself, and maybe never will.
Instead, I choose to love those parts, because I know THIS is what gets me a lot closer to true self-love!
These parts of me aren’t shallow or shadowy.
They are wounded & real.
I am ok with caring about weight & ageing.
I choose not to feel guilt & shame for caring.
It doesn’t make me any less spiritual or healed.
It doesn’t mean I’ve succumbed to patriarchy.
It simply makes me human.
And I am on a mission of acceptance for my humanness.
The further along this path I go, the more welcoming I am of my true heart, voice & expression.
I lead from where I am & not where I want to be.
*this piece is largely catharsis, but I hope it meets those who will benefit from my vulnerable truth*